Dormouse Valor
by unkeptsecret
Summary: Revy is one good-looking babe. Too bad for Rock that everyone in Roanapur thinks so, too. Omake fic from an unlikely author.


"_She did show favor to the youth in your sight only to exasperate you, __to awake your dormouse valor, to put fire in your heart and brimstone in your liver."_

_- from Twelfth Night, Shakespeare_

"I trust each of you understands the mission and the reward for its successful completion." Cold eyes swept over the gathered faces, seeking any sign of weakness and finding none.

From the back of the room, bubblegum snapped. "I'm not going to complain when the money is this good, but I just want to be clear. Are you ready to do what it takes, too?"

"I am committed to absolute victory." The coldness sparked with a sudden crackle of mirth. "Besides, I would hate to miss out on this fun."

Bubblegum popped again before disappearing behind a wide grin. "Yeah, this is pretty fucking priceless. Let's do it."

"Excellent. Everyone is dismissed."

* * *

Revy kicked the twin doors of the Yellow Flag in with the steel tip of a boot. "Fuck me, it's hot. Bao, you cheap bastard, get some damn A/C."

"Jesus fucking Christ, lady. Cut me a little slack. If _someone_ would stop getting my place burned to the ground, I could afford a lot of nice things. Until then, stop complaining."

"Yeah, yeah." Revy swung a beat-up stool away from the reinforced bar and settled into her usual spot. Rock, always her shadow, took his place next to her.

On cue, Bao produced two bottles, filled two shot glasses, and pushed them in front of his customers. Rock offered up a polite nod of thanks while Revy simply seized her glas and slammed it back.

"Damn!" she said, a sudden rush of color showing in her cheeks. "That's fucking cold."

Bao grinned at her. "You like that? Chilled the glass and the bottle, just for you."

Revy returned the smile. "That's good stuff, man."

"I figured you would like it. Here, have another," Bao said and refilled her glass.

"Mine's not cold," Rock piped up.

Revy slammed back another shot of Bacardi so cold that it steamed in the brutal tropical heat of Roanapur in the rainy season. "Oh yeah, that really hits the spot! Thanks, man. The bow-tie looks good on you, by the way."

Bao beamed, one hand rising to adjust his atypical accessory. "I'm glad you like it. Here, you want another?"

"Hell yeah!"

"Can I have a cold one, too?" asked Rock meekly.

Revy pounded her third shot, but when the glass hit the bar, her eyes narrowed and her voice dropped, low and dangerous. "Hey. Any reason why you're being so nice all of the sudden?"

Bao's eyes shifted to the floor. He scratched the back of his head. "No reason. I just wanted to do something a little special for a pretty lady. Is that such a crime?"

Revy blinked. "Did you just call me pretty...?"

"Pretty, schmitty, shitty. There is one fine piece of ass right here, and I don't mind getting a piece of it." Eda winked as she claimed the stool on the other side of Revy, leaning back with arms flung across the bar. Her generous tits strained against her cropped t-shirt, and her denim mini-skirt rode high on long, tanned legs. She crossed one knee over the other, kicking out her calf so that it brushed Revy's thigh as it came down.

Revy looked disgusted. "Quit making eyes at Rock, you slag."

Eda snapped her bubblegum and yanked off her pink sunglasses. "Rock? He's precious, but I'm over it. Right now, I could go for something a little more..." Her eyes drifted down Revy's chest and back up. "Yo, you wanna come back the Church for poker? If you don't have the funds, we could always play strip-"

"Hey!" Bao exploded. "Get out of here, Eda. Revy's drinking here today."

"What the..." Revy said, looking from bartender to nun and back with utter confusion.

"You think you're capable of keeping up with Two Hands, old man?" Eda sneered.

"At least I'm a man," Bao countered, tipping another icy shot into Revy's glass.

"Ha! That's your plan? Get her drunk? Please." Eda stood and shoved her sunglasses back on her face. "C'mon, Revy. My bike's outside. Let's ditch this loser and have some real fun."

"I'm here, too," Rock said in a small voice that no one seemed to hear.

"Hey guys, I'm sorry to interrupt, but Revy's coming with me."

Four heads whipped around to see a tall man polishing his glasses on the hem of a Hawaiian shirt.

"Revy, Dutch wants to see you back at the office," Benny explained.

"That's bullshit-!" Eda started, but Rock jumped up from his barstool and touched Revy's elbow.

"C'mon. Let's go," he said to his partner.

"Fucking weirdos," Revy said under her breath as she stood and followed Benny toward the door, which he held open for her. As soon as she had passed through, he let go. The door swung back and smacked Rock in the face.

"Ow!" he yelped as if someone cared.

"...no idea what you said to Jane," Benny was saying as he walked Revy to his waiting cherry-red classic Charger, "but she is really changed her mind about you. Thanks."

Revy tipped back her head and laughed. "Dude, don't thank me. I told your girlfriend that I could fuck her so hard that she'd lose her taste for men."

Benny opened the passenger door, Revy ducked into the front seat, and he closed it behind her.

"Guys, wait up," Rock said.

Benny took his seat at the wheel and fired up the engine. "Well, I'm not the kind to be threatened by that sort of thing, not when it means my girl wants to add another girl to the mix-"

"You can't be fucking serious," Revy gaped.

Benny turned as red as his shirt as he dropped the car into gear. "I know it's got to be a little odd for you. We work together and all. But I've always thought you were really, you know, _attractive_ and Jane says-"

"Guys?!" Rock sputtered as the car roared off, leaving him coughing in a cloud of hot exhaust.

* * *

Lagoon's office in the city wasn't far from the Yellow Flag. Rock could run it in ten minutes. Well, not run. Walk fast. Very fast. He was only sweating because of the heat, definitely not because he was running and most decidedly not because Revy had looked a bit intrigued by what Benny was saying.

It had to be a mistake.

Rock shook his head. Beads of sweat flew in all directions. God, it was hot.

The heat was doing things to people. That was it. His friends wouldn't just ditch him. They would come back for him as soon as they realized he wasn't in the back seat. Any second now, they would come back.

Rock rounded the corner and nearly collided with Jane, who was punching Benny hard in the arm.

"You blew it, didn't you!" she menaced with each blow.

"I did just what you said- Ow! I asked her to join- Ow! But we got here- Ow! And then Dutch- Ow!"

Rock didn't wait around to defuse the argument. He took the stairs two at a time and threw open the door to the office. A wall of cool air greeted him, carrying the deep notes of a melodious man's voice from the dim room.

"_Can't get enough of your love, babe_..." the voice sang.

It took Rock's eyes a long moment to adjust from the harsh glare of midday to the twilight of the office. Someone had pulled down all of the blinds, and the overhead lights were off. When he could see clearly, he blinked again, but the sight that greeted him did not change. There was Dutch, lacking his customary heavy vest with one arm draped over the back of the couch above a stunned Revy's shoulders. When Dutch spoke, his chiseled abs rippled and glistened in the half-light. "Rock, I was just telling Revy that I think you can handle today's errands alone. She can stay here, and we can talk."

"_My darling, I can't get enough of your love, babe_," the song played on.

"Talk?" Rock repeated.

"Yeah, _talk_," Dutch said, pushing a heavy envelope across the coffee table. "You just run along and take this package to Ms. Balalaika, Rock."

Crap, had his boss's voice always sounded so smooth and rich?

Dutch turned back to Revy, his perfect white teething flashing in the dark. "Now, as I was saying, Rebecca..."

A frown tugged on the corners of Revy's mouth.

Her beautiful, full, soft mouth.

"Dutchie, are you feeling okay?" she asked.

Rock snatched up the envelope and seized Revy's wrist, dragging her back out into the heat of day. "Yeah, you better rest up, Dutch. We'll leave you alone. Hope you feel better!" he called over his shoulder.

"Hey! Wait up!" Dutch called after them.

Rock didn't wait up.

"Keys," he demanded of Benny as he rushed by, pulling Revy past the arguing lovebirds at breakneck speed.

"Um, okay." Benny lobbed them to Rock, who caught them easily.

"Revy, can I take you up on that offer-" started Jane, but Rock shoved his partner into the car, raced around to the driver's side, started the engine, and peeled out. In the rearview, he spotted Jane punch Benny in the arm again before he banked hard around a corner and the buildings blocked them from view.

"This is some fucking Twilight Zone shit," said Revy. She rolled down the window and lit a cigarette. "It's like everyone wants in my shorts today."

"It's really weird," said Rock.

Revy shot him a withering stare. "So it's weird that people want me?"

"N-n-no!" Rock sputtered. "I mean, yes, but- SHIT!"

The brakes squealed as the car skidded to a stop in front of a lean man with white hair. The man's arms were raised in a striking pose, and his long trench coat billowed as it settled around him. He looked sort of cool, if one subtracted that his heavy clothes were ringed with sweat and that he was standing in a busy street like an idiot with a death wish.

Revy grunted as the sudden stop slammed her forward against her seatbelt before snapping her back into the bucket seat. "Motherfucker! Lotton, what the hell are you doing the middle of the fucking road!"

"I was passing by and your beauty arrested me where I stood, my lovely raven-haired mistress," Lotton said, still in pose. "I cannot proceed another step unless you do me the honor of accompanying me to my chambers."

"What the fuck does that even mean?" Revy shouted at him.

Rock knew exactly what it meant. He threw the car into reverse, spinning like mad on the steering wheel, and then jammed the shifter forward while bearing down on the gas, barely missing the wizard as the car jumped into the wrong lane and screamed down the street.

Rock didn't dare slow as they whizzed past Shenhua, who was leaning out of an upstairs window to offer Revy a flirty wave and a great view of her cleavage.

Another block down, they spied Sawyer the Cleaner heaving a wriggling bag twice her size into the back of the UG Pork van. She paused to watch them as they sped past. In the rearview, Rock saw the little Goth girl blow a kiss after them.

"Is everyone crazy?" he said.

Revy turned to him with fury. "Crazy for doing what, Rock?"

Even as shaken as he was by the day's bizarre events, Rock was smart enough not to answer that question. Instead, he reached over and switched on the radio. As his good luck would have it, Guitar Wolf was on. One of Revy's favorite songs, too. After a tense minute, she stopped glaring at him and settled into her seat, one hand cupping her chin as she watched the city whip past the window.

His eyes kept flicking over to her as he drove.

No, it wasn't crazy to want to hit on Revy. She was... well, what wasn't she? Rock had spent every day with her for the better part of a year, and he still had trouble breathing when she came into a room. The curve of her hips. That undeniably pretty face. The way she slept in just her cotton panties and a thin tank top. So damn beautiful. And when she smiled. God, when she smiled... Except when she did that feral smile thing while the bodies hit the floor. _That_ smile, all those teeth. Rock shook his head.

Revy was beautiful but scary, really and truly scary.

But was she really that frightening? Sure, Revy was a death god in the likes of Japan, but what about Roanapur, the city of blood and lawlessness that Rock had made his home? Was it really so odd that anyone from this world would desire a killer beauty like the infamous Two Hands?

No, that was ridiculous. Even here, you would have to be a lunatic to make a play for a woman who would kill you just for the fun of watching you bleed, right?

The car zoomed past GoofFest, its neon lights flashing lurid colors to pull in a good-sized crowd even in the day. Rock remembered that the owner, Rowan "Jackpot" Pigeon, had a standing offer to let Revy put on a show in his club anytime she wanted. Jackpot was always going on about how Revy would really pull in the paying customers.

Rock suddenly felt sick to his stomach.

He had a long time to nurse that sick feeling as he took the indirect route to Hotel Moscow's offices, sticking to the back roads for the speed that kept the wind running its hand through Revy's long hair and for the blessed lack of people, but the journey couldn't last forever. They had to head back into the tangle of traffic eventually.

His allotment of luck for the day had been spent on the radio, apparently, because the police had an intersection shut down. A parking lot of cars stretched in all directions as officers directed the flow of traffic in place of the busted lights.

Revy snarled as the temperature in the vehicle soared without the wind to cool them. She stuck her head out of the window and hollered at the closest officer. "Hey! What the fuck is the hold up?"

The officer turned to face them. "Shut up, asshole- Oh, Two Hands. It's you."

Revy popped her entire upper body through the widow, resting her ass on the car door. "What's up, Chief?"

Watsup came over to stand by her. "Same old shit. Some losers had it out, and a stray bullet blew the transform. No power for blocks."

"Want me to take care of them for ya?" Revy offered.

"Nah, but you could do one favor for me." Watsup took off his hat and held it over his paunch. "There's a police ball coming up, and seeing as how the missus took off last year, I was wondering if you would-"

"Revy!" Rock said, too loudly.

"What?" she snapped.

He pointed at the road. "Time to go."

Revy made a sour face but ducked back into the car, just as the line of started to creep forward.

Watsup trotted along next to them. "So, like I was saying, you're supposed to bring a date, and I wanted to know if-"

The cars were moving along nicely now. Watsup had to run to keep up.

"Date... to the.. ball," he huffed. "Do you... wanna..."

Rock turned up the music and gunned the motor through the intersection.

Minutes later, he pulled the car into park in front of the Bougainvillea Trade Company, the cover business for Roanapur's Hotel Moscow. A hulking man with a brutal scar slashed across his face stood at the curb.

"Heya Boris," Revy said as she stepped out of the car.

"Two Hands," Boris acknowledged with a minute nod.

"We got some business with Big Sis. Can you keep an eye on the car for us?" Revy teased. It was well below the duty of Balalaika's second in command to serve as parking attendant, but Boris only offered another little jerk of his head in affirmation.

Revy broke into a wide grin. "Thanks, man."

Boris looked profoundly uncomfortable as he reached into his jacket pocket and held out a small box to Revy.

"For me?" she asked, unsure.

Another nod.

Revy took the box with both hands, looked down at it, and then whooped. "Hell yeah! Hollow points! I've been trying to score these fuckers for months. Goddamn supply issues. Like I give a rat's ass." She popped open the lid and froze. Her eyes darted from the box to Boris and back.

Rock leaned in to see. On the underside of cardboard flap was a line of hand-written digits.

"Dude, is this your phone number?" she said.

Boris's whole face went as white as his scar. Very slowly, he nodded.

"We are already late, Revy. Let's go," Rock said. He yanked open the door and held it for her. Revy got around to closing her mouth, took the exit strategy, and stomped inside, leaving a pale Boris on the curb.

The building was dark and sweltering. The blown transformer had taken out the electric grid as far as Hotel Moscow's offices, it seemed. Rock pushed through the darkened halls until they arrived at Balalaika's office. He rapped at the door.

"Enter!" Balalaika said.

Rock pushed through the heavy door and did a double-take.

Balalaika was sitting on her desk, suit jacket slung over her chair and white blouse mostly undone. She looked out the open window, obviously annoyed, while fanning her face with large manila file folder.

"Rock. Revy. You come bearing business from Dutch, I presume?" Balalaika greeted them without turning.

"Yes, Ms. Balalaika," Rock said with a bow. "Shall I put it on your desk?"

Balalaika extended her free hand, and Rock placed the heavy envelope into her palm. Instead of reading the contents, the crime baroness turned it into a second makeshift fan.

"I hate this heat," she grumbled.

"No joke," Revy agreed.

"At least you are- how shall I put it delicately?- appropriately attired for this weather," said Balalaika.

Revy shrugged. "No one is making you wear a wool suit and stockings, sister."

Balalaika turned from the window and met Revy's honest stare. "Perhaps you have a point, Two Hands."

With that, Balalaika reached down, pulled her skirt up her thigh, and unsnapped one of the garter stays.

"Holy fucking shit. That's hot," Revy said.

"I will take that as a compliment." Balalaika smiled and unsnapped another stay.

"Damn straight, that's a compliment. Hey Rock, are you seeing this?"

Before he could answer, Balalaika was dismissing him with wave. "Let's keep this between us girls, shall we? You can go now, Rock baby."

Another stay snapped free and so did something in Rock.

"Revy, we are leaving."

"What?! Are you out of your goddamn mind? I'm not-"

"REVY!" he roared. "Leaving. Now."

With that, he seized her by the hand and yanked her back through the door, down the dark halls, and out into the sun.

Boris was still standing by the curb, but Rock cast him a glare so withering that the Ivan stepped to the side to let them pass. Rock man-handled a furious Revy into Benny's car, her shouted insults bouncing off him like BBs from bullet-proof glass.

"What the fuck! Did you see that? Bala-fucking-laika!"

Rock managed to get all of Revy's limbs into the car before slamming the door.

"You fucking cock-block! Just because you weren't invited-"

He got into the driver's seat and slid the key into the ignition.

"Do you know how long it's been since I got some real action, you limp dick fuck? Do you-"

Rock turned, seized her by the hair, and kissed her filthy mouth so hard that he tasted blood, his or hers he couldn't tell. He didn't care. At all. He kissed her until the rumble of her curses faded into sweet silence and her nails were raking his back. Only then, did Rock pull back and say, "I am going to fuck you, Revy. I am going to drive you to my place, and then I am going to fuck you until you scream so loud that this whole damn city hears and knows that you are MINE. Do you understand?"

Revy stared at him.

"Do you understand?" He was yelling now, not even caring how his voice made even the strangers on the far side of the street flinch. "Say it, Revy. Fucking SAY IT!"

"Okay," she breathed.

"What?"

"Yeah. Sure. Whatever. Fuck me."

"Good." He kissed her again, kissed her until her eyes closed and he could taste her grin, and then he threw the car into gear and took off.

* * *

The phone on the desk rang. Cold eyes raised from the mountain of papers to survey the caller ID. A hand stretched out and lifted the receiver.

"You received the photographic evidence, I presume."

A sigh came over the line, and then, "Yes. Damn you."

"Do not be so dismal. You were the one who proposed this bet. What was your phrasing again? _The day that Rock and Revy get together is the day that you catch me in a frilly dress._ That is what you said, is it not?"

"I might have said that, but I didn't expect you to take me up on it and I certainly didn't think you would buy out the services of half the damn city to be your ally. I thought you were only interested in death and destruction. That is what you said, right?"

"Death and destruction... and _you_ in a pretty pink dress."

"This isn't funny."

"On the contrary, it is hilarious, baby."

"Don't call me baby."

"Then I shall call you Princess."

"..."

"Or perhaps Pretty Princess?"

Another sigh. "I will make you pay for this, Fry Face."

"But in the meantime, you will wear the dress that I sent over to you?"

"I'll keep my word. But don't expect me to be the happiest of pretty princesses."

"You have no idea how much I look forward to it."

And far away, a scream of pleasure echoed through the streets of the dirty city.

* * *

_A/N: This is probably not what Osage meant by "brighter stuff", but I hope it was good for a few LOLs. _

_Special Thanks to jm1681, MarshalZhukov, Draco38, and Rassilon001 for the ongoing awesomeness and general bad-assery._

_Now, anyone want to make a pic of Chang in a pretty dress? The world needs it. NEEDS IT!_


End file.
